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Still improving... is 7 am and normally I am not awake this early. Last few nights were terrible with coughing and wheezing keeping me awake till this hour. I can feel slight improvement on that front now. So, I was looking forward to a peaceful sleep tonight but I didn't get any. I oiled my hair, then watched a few episodes of 'Full House', then read a few pages of a book and solved a sudoku puzzle (too much!). The last one actually made me feel exhausted so I decided to lie down. At the same moment the sleep vanished and my mind started to wander. These days I keep thinking about my weaknesses and the ways to overcome them. 'There is a lot of room for improvement'.

The title of this post is more about that improvement and not about my health.
I remember quite a few times when I should have been a little more assertive when decisions about my life, my career were being taken. Not that it has affected me very badly, but things could have been better (may be). I didn't want to go to that school for 11th & 12th Std. I didn't want to study Mathematics after 10th Std. But I passively agreed to these decisions. The result was that I hated those two years in school. The only good memory is the special screening of DDLJ for which we were taken to one of the best theatres in Lucknow. (That was the first time I visited a theatre without my parents). And more than hating the school, I almost failed in the CBSE board Mathematics examination. I do mention these points to my parents now (in a light hearted manner) and try to blame them for my bad percentage. But the truth is that it is my mistake too. To convince them I should have locked myself in my room, cried till my eyes popped out or may be just ran away from home... What else could I have done in order to be taken seriously when I was just 16?

Forget the serious decisions like stated above, I didn't even pester my parents for toys which I so badly wanted to play with (except once). I guess I was too mature and well-mannered for my age. I really appreciate my parents that even though we were not very well off, as children we never felt deprived of anything. We had toys and kitchen sets and games, plenty of them... My brother, like a normal child, always wanted more and more. And his demands were fulfilled. I never asked for those things. Ok, the one time I actually made a wish list when asked by our parents, I was quite shameless :). The wish list read: 1) Visit to Appu Ghar, Delhi 2) A bicycle

3) A Barbie doll 4) Getting my ears pierced. And I got all of them in the span of one year. It really pays to be assertive. :)

Oh I remember one more incident (I am in blabber-mode). It was a custom in our school (the school I loved- St. Mary's Convent) that the senior most students would be taken on a short trip outside Lucknow. The batch senior to us could not go anywhere (if i remember correctly) because of the Babri Masjid demolition and the tension that followed. When it was told to us that our batch will be going to Delhi for 3 days all of us were quite excited. I was a little apprehensive regarding asking my parents for permission. Also, the total expenditure was projected to Rs 500 per head. I had to ask for permission and money, double problem. My mother straightaway said 'No' (as if I was asking for a visit to Europe) and in subsequent days and discussions sometimes she said 'ask your father' (which was more scary) or she just ignored me completely. I think she thought that I will just drop the idea completely after seeing her reaction. But good that I didn't. Next day was the last day to submit the money and get listed. I took a deep breath and directly asked her whether it was because of money that she didn't want me to go on that trip (i was very sure it was). To my surprise that was not the reason. She was scared to let me go away from home along with a group of 100 boys and girls (boys were the main problem). When I assured her that I will be a 'good girl' and begged her to let me go (it was a Kajol-moment from DDLJ, in the pre-DDLJ era) she gave my five crisp hundred rupee notes. That was like a war i won. The Delhi-trip was really great. Now that I got reminded of it, I would write about it sometime soon.

The point that I want to make is that I used to be very hesitant to speak my mind. I still am, in some ways. But I am learning. Another thing I am still learning is to say NO to people. I end up enduring a lot before suddenly snapping at someone who has been totally unaware of what was going on in my head but was not on my lips. I am working on it. Sometimes I tell a person on face that he/she is irritating me, and sometimes I just hide myself in some corner till my anger/irritation subsides. You just cannot fight all the time with all the people around you. And my nature is such that it is impossible to disagree and not fight. What to do? I can't change myself beyond an extent. Otherwise I won't be the person I am.

There were lot many things in my head when I started writing this post. I don't remember now... So, I will just stop here and may be come back and write more on similar topic, some other time, some other day. I would just say in the end that it feels much better to speak out one's mind at the right moment than regretting later and wondering how things would have been otherwise. 'Sigh'


shilpy said…
good and in fact really happy to know that u r learning to say no to things u dont want to do.. I really hope that u do this in future. zindagi bahut asaan ho jaati hai aisa karne se.. sach keh rahi hoon.. and aunty ko darr lagan anatural tha shaz.. she was just concerned and i love her for that.. mujhe meri mommy and apne aise incidents yaad aa gaye padd ke.. loves this one as the others, but still this will be a bit more spl to me.. thank u for such a wonderful post.. miss u lots..
shilpy said…
and yes, i forgot to write in th earlier on: "GET WELL SOON"
JC said…
abb meri biwi ne sab kuch likh hi diya hai to main kya, this is a blank comment...kindly enjoy!!!
abhay said…
How many years it takes to understand somebody???
a month or a year or a decade or a life????
Hard to say....
but I'm sure reading a blog might decrease this time to a certain extent.
I really enjoy reading your blog for a few reasons:
- when I read your post I feel I am seeing a movie as your descriptions are so explicit!
- sometimes i compare myself with what you write
- sometimes i feel how much I know you
- sometimes I feel that now I know a bit better than before
- sometimes I correlate what you write and the way I saw you in real.. many a times it matches perfectly and sometimes i search for the matches
- apart from these i love your writing skill. It gives me a feeling that you are around...and narrating to me those instances..

take care of your health dear...
Koffee beanzz said… doesnt have to fight to let his/her feelings known..once people around you realise that you are capable of getting angry, then just 'THE LOOK' would suffice :D
Shazia said…
@ Shilpy
Yaar Mummy logon ki aadat hoti hai, fun ke beech mein aane ki. Main aisi mummy nahi banoongi. :)

@ Jeet
Blank comment ke liye thanks. Tum dono mere sab se wafadar readers ho. Ek din tumko ek grand prize denge hum.

@ Abhay
Hum isse zyada kuch nahi bol sakte ki, "This is the BEST comment on my blog, till now." Thanks for it. I loved the way you wrote it. You are one of the few people who know me really well. And your opinion matters to me.

@ Koffee beanzz
Yaar woh LOOK hi laana mushkil hai. You are great at it. Hats off to you. I really appreciate you for this thing.
Wali Khan said…
Well I guess I have known you for long... ummm... to put it forthright... it’s my entire life... Every kid has his/her own struggles and it’s always unjustified from kid's standpoint... and it always will be cuz he/she is a kid. The problems you faced were not out of the world, but the ones mentioned make me believe you had a horrific/traumatic childhood which was absolutely not the case. To paint a small sketch I shall say... "A brainy gal, who topped in studies, sports, extracurricular activities, was a dream child of any parent... Did her homework on time also taught her sibling and was constant example of "Ideal Kid" to her sibling by her folks and teachers... and yes of course sibling hated it..."
Coming back to more things... Like

“Our parents were not well off” - I shall say we were lucky that we got the kind of upbringing cuz that’s what I treasure the most and will always do. . . They did sacrifice their whole life… just to bring small happiness in our lives… I can’t ignore it… I dunno why you are doing that…

“You will not be mommy like ours”- Then I guess you cannot become a good MOM, it’s not that she came between FUN and US. She is a circumspect lady who will doubt things before she attempts and there is nothing wrong in it cuz that’s how she has grown. We cannot expect her to change. I do sms her when I reach
office and when am back… it is absurd but I do it just for her… cuz that will make her feel good… I guess I can do that…

“You were not assertive” - I would not agree to that… u were pretty clear what you wanted… I know the mishap in your 11th and 12th it was done in order to improve your physics… that was a logical thought… not a plot against you… I know it backfired… less we can do about it now…  And if there were things u were having in heart/mind… it was injustice to yourself and to everyone else… feeling low thinking about it now… is stupidity… U have done tremendously well… just cuz of yourself… U are so hardworking that you made things happen and look it so simple which is of course very difficult… I always believed in you and you have never let down anyone…

To sum it up, we were good kids, who never cried for things… instead, were pretty understanding and am proud of US… So baby… thank god for that… trust me there is difficult life to come… live for future… learn from your mistakes and move on…  and yeah am always there as a stupid sibling… :D
Shazia said…
No matter how perfect things/people/life seem, there would always be certain imperfections which only the concerned person will be able to see/feel. I have certain 'regrets' in life. This post is not for blaming anybody. Scoring 80% in maths in XII would not have helped me in anyway. And may be I would have been at the same place today.
The point which i wanted to make was that in the past, many a times, I have not been a part of decision making and have just accepted the decisions of elders. Either I didn't have an idea what i wanted to do or i was scared to tell my actual plans.Both ways it was my mistake. And here I am talking about my own weaknesses...
Now that I am 30 and i should be taking decisions which concern my 'past' behaviour and weakness is coming in the way of all this. It has already been universally accepted that i am a fool and i can't take my own decisions. I want to change the way people take me. For that I have to bring certain changes in myself. That's my problem.
Wali Khan said…
I understood the problem... And for that u have to break the shackles and take a firm constructive decision... Easier said than done... I agree to that... Keep trying...

However, I will again disagree with certain points... I agree BSc Life Sc was not your decision but after that its you who have been taking every decision of your professional life... And some personal life decisions as well... Will u still

Look i agree to your problem and things will be solved once you are very clear with what exactly you wanna do no matter what it is... stand by it and do it and show everyone u can do things on your own.
Ashish said…

Normally, I read your blog post, try to grasp the central theme, admire your presentation and literary skills, make conclusions about your state of mind and leave your blog without commenting coz I am a fatty and lazy *******. Abhay is in love with your blog but I will be decent today and say that I like your posts and your blog is thought provoking and a good read (even though you can not beat me in creativity, innovation and bla-bla-bla, refer to latest figures for profile visits...ha ha ha). To quote Mr. Holmes here, Your case (blog) presents singular instance of novelty and interest :). But this post perfectly matches my state of mind so I feel compelled now to comment on it.

I fully agree with you that `It really pays to be assertive´. May be like me you will realise that by asserting yourself not only you get what you want (normally) but also that others praise you saying that you are a strong individual and prefer to use your mind (rather than relying on their own junkyard). Funny. To add to your comment, what I also find laudable is that many of us consider other person`s viewpoint (wish) and acquiesce for the sake of their self-respect and bla-bla-bla reasons but later if we regret our decision then other person tells you hey did not you take this decision yourself and if you were so unhappy then at first place why did you agree for it. So chit bhi meri, pat bhi meri aur anta mere baap ka. Again funny. Nobody takes responsibility for screwing your life. And why they should afterall we all are cloaked diplomats. Often I wonder that selfishness of a 50 year person can not be considered selfishness. It is for the security and betterment of our future. But selfishness of someone much younger person is SELFISHNESS. Holy Photons!!!

I hope you will not mind me if I say that your comment “Main aisi mummy nahi banoongi” (sounds total filmy now) is a bit too harsh. I do understand what you want to convey but I guess words betray unintended here. Normalize the acts of our parent with their own upbringing, their ideals, their dreams and I guess , like me, you will also conclude that they did their best. Normally, people plot for their kids not against their kids. We all are just a bit (this bit changes lot though) misdirected and myopic in life. Just for an example, my father always tells me that he was unhappy with the uncaring nature of his father so he from the beginning tried to be not like him. My grandfather said same ;). Wheel is discovered and rediscovered and rediscovered again and by this we try to pass time.

Njoy and dont forget that Colgate smile. One more thing, this JHARKHANDI (abhay) can also write well but I dont think he will ever be able to outperform us ;). AB baby are listening??? Dare but better not.

A Mindburper

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