Okay...it is 7 am and normally I am not awake this early. Last few nights were terrible with coughing and wheezing keeping me awake till this hour. I can feel slight improvement on that front now. So, I was looking forward to a peaceful sleep tonight but I didn't get any. I oiled my hair, then watched a few episodes of 'Full House', then read a few pages of a book and solved a sudoku puzzle (too much!). The last one actually made me feel exhausted so I decided to lie down. At the same moment the sleep vanished and my mind started to wander. These days I keep thinking about my weaknesses and the ways to overcome them. 'There is a lot of room for improvement'.
The title of this post is more about that improvement and not about my health.
I remember quite a few times when I should have been a little more assertive when decisions about my life, my career were being taken. Not that it has affected me very badly, but things could have been better (may be). I didn't want to go to that school for 11th & 12th Std. I didn't want to study Mathematics after 10th Std. But I passively agreed to these decisions. The result was that I hated those two years in school. The only good memory is the special screening of DDLJ for which we were taken to one of the best theatres in Lucknow. (That was the first time I visited a theatre without my parents). And more than hating the school, I almost failed in the CBSE board Mathematics examination. I do mention these points to my parents now (in a light hearted manner) and try to blame them for my bad percentage. But the truth is that it is my mistake too. To convince them I should have locked myself in my room, cried till my eyes popped out or may be just ran away from home... What else could I have done in order to be taken seriously when I was just 16?
Forget the serious decisions like stated above, I didn't even pester my parents for toys which I so badly wanted to play with (except once). I guess I was too mature and well-mannered for my age. I really appreciate my parents that even though we were not very well off, as children we never felt deprived of anything. We had toys and kitchen sets and games, plenty of them... My brother, like a normal child, always wanted more and more. And his demands were fulfilled. I never asked for those things. Ok, the one time I actually made a wish list when asked by our parents, I was quite shameless :). The wish list read: 1) Visit to Appu Ghar, Delhi 2) A bicycle
3) A Barbie doll 4) Getting my ears pierced. And I got all of them in the span of one year. It really pays to be assertive. :)
Oh I remember one more incident (I am in blabber-mode). It was a custom in our school (the school I loved- St. Mary's Convent) that the senior most students would be taken on a short trip outside Lucknow. The batch senior to us could not go anywhere (if i remember correctly) because of the Babri Masjid demolition and the tension that followed. When it was told to us that our batch will be going to Delhi for 3 days all of us were quite excited. I was a little apprehensive regarding asking my parents for permission. Also, the total expenditure was projected to Rs 500 per head. I had to ask for permission and money, double problem. My mother straightaway said 'No' (as if I was asking for a visit to Europe) and in subsequent days and discussions sometimes she said 'ask your father' (which was more scary) or she just ignored me completely. I think she thought that I will just drop the idea completely after seeing her reaction. But good that I didn't. Next day was the last day to submit the money and get listed. I took a deep breath and directly asked her whether it was because of money that she didn't want me to go on that trip (i was very sure it was). To my surprise that was not the reason. She was scared to let me go away from home along with a group of 100 boys and girls (boys were the main problem). When I assured her that I will be a 'good girl' and begged her to let me go (it was a Kajol-moment from DDLJ, in the pre-DDLJ era) she gave my five crisp hundred rupee notes. That was like a war i won. The Delhi-trip was really great. Now that I got reminded of it, I would write about it sometime soon.
The point that I want to make is that I used to be very hesitant to speak my mind. I still am, in some ways. But I am learning. Another thing I am still learning is to say NO to people. I end up enduring a lot before suddenly snapping at someone who has been totally unaware of what was going on in my head but was not on my lips. I am working on it. Sometimes I tell a person on face that he/she is irritating me, and sometimes I just hide myself in some corner till my anger/irritation subsides. You just cannot fight all the time with all the people around you. And my nature is such that it is impossible to disagree and not fight. What to do? I can't change myself beyond an extent. Otherwise I won't be the person I am.
There were lot many things in my head when I started writing this post. I don't remember now... So, I will just stop here and may be come back and write more on similar topic, some other time, some other day. I would just say in the end that it feels much better to speak out one's mind at the right moment than regretting later and wondering how things would have been otherwise. 'Sigh'