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Companionship


I realized that of late I have been writing just about movies. Been a long time since I wrote something else. 

I have rambled about this 3 years back. At that time I was in a relationship with my room. I remember how I felt at that point of time. It was a phase. I was driven to the confines of my room because I didn't like the company of people. 

Today, things are different. I do like people. :)

However, by spending so much time with myself in the last 3 years, I have learnt that for me the search for the most compatible companion begins and ends at the same person. That is myself (this is not intended to sound narcissistic). 

I realize that I have become somebody who is a cross between Monica Geller and Sheldon Cooper- A control freak who does not like anything in her room/place to be misplaced by even half a centimetre. One who has a favourite spot to sit down, such that everything is most accessible, including the chair being placed at a perfect angle to the television. I love grouping things and placing them together. Sometime according to the usage, or size, or colour, or my idiosyncrasy. Not everything has a logic or scientific reasoning. I just like it that way. And nobody, I repeat, nobody is supposed to play around with it. 

I remember cleaning my mom's dressing table drawers and her cupboards when I was small. I used to dust it, lay fresh paper sheets on the bottom and then keep the stuff arranged as I liked. My mother used to be happy with the cleaning but I remember her asking me why have I arranged her sarees in a particular fashion or about the reallocation of drawers. And I always had an explanation, like this time I have grouped the sarees according to colour, i.e. all shades of red together, or that I have arranged it so that the cotton, silk and chiffons were kept separately, sometimes combining both the criteria to make it more complicated. That was followed by the rearrangement of the cupboard as per my mother's wish. She used to keep her stuff according to their usage. We are a family of freaks. And I am not talking about my brother here. :)

My college notes had a similar story to tell. They were severely colour coded. All the important stuff for long answers used to be marked by a red star, and the ones for short or MCQs were marked with a green tick-mark. Any trivia which was useless for the purpose of exams but seemed interesting to me (like the stories of important discoveries) were scribbled on the other side of the top margin. 

'She/He who walks alone, walks fast'. To add to it, 'And turns wherever she/he wants to'. I have become so used to travelling or going for outings alone that when I have company, sometimes I feel constrained. I do not plan going for a movie or going shopping with anybody (there are exceptions to this rule). There is only one person I would pester to accompany me on such occasions. And that one person does not exist. However, in the past I used to drag my friends to some place just because I felt like going. I stopped doing that long back. I remember once I asked a friend to wait for me for almost a week before we could watch a much hyped and awaited movie. He did wait for me, but after the movie he clearly told me not to do this again. Immediately I felt tears welling up and to hide them I laughed out loudly and said 'Of course not.'

It takes so much time and energy to reach that point in a relationship where you don't need to express yourself in words. The other person just understands that by a simple look or gesture. I share that kind of a thing with some of my friends. And whenever that happens, I feel so relieved and blessed. Nothing is more emotionally draining than explaining everything in words. So often there aren't enough words that explain what we feel. I have distanced myself from people and relationships once this load of explaining stuff became more than what I could handle. Such a problem never arises when you have to deal with just yourself. You know what you did, why you did and what you got from it. There is no explaining to be done. 

The bottom line is that I have come to this conclusion (as of now) that my comfort zone can be very uncomfortable for most other people. So I should stick to having myself as my sole companion. Everything is fine, except that I miss having an actual conversation. When I am talking to myself  I get bored of my own voice vibrating to and fro. :)

P.S. OMG! I am so full of myself. I should stick to writing about movies.

Comments

kate said…
Your writing style has really evolved, Shaz. Not that you were ever a bad writer. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. You have become very proficient at expressing your thoughts lucidly, without being too verbose (as most bloggers tend to be).
As for the OCD-ness about your room, it's perfectly natural. and allowed. I'm a big fan of my own company too. Don't worry too much about it. Better a neat-freak than a slob.
Talk to you soon (yes, a real human voice is coming your way! ;))
-K2
Koffee beanzz said…
U rnt alone shaz..its just the saggi thing ;) And u scooped me on another post..watch out for "One is company" :)
dreamer said…
This one made for an interesting read..It created a lot of images in my mind..Like always I can relate to your writing..We all go through these phases were we would rather be left to ourselves..Self obsession , the beginning of a life long romance :)
Abhijeet Bakre said…
Hi Shazia,
Is it the same shy next door kind of girl who used to be always worried about her M.Sc project who is portraying these thoughts? I wonder if I am seeing a totally new Shazia. And while the new Shazia is good the old one wasnt bad. The new Shazia does portray a very decisive individual; my only concern being is she losing her innocence ( not that losing it is bad again)and is this a cost of that ? Life puts us all in challenging situations; we all go through hope, ecstasy, pride, worthlessness and hurt. What is important is to never lose perspective. Remember that it is a cycle after all. Everything that goes up must come down and vice versa. I personally enjoy the joy of going up and down. Seems like a rollercoaster all the time! Funny isnt it ?

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