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My "current" intimate relationship

When i was a kid (that was years back) i never had major problems in making friends and interacting with people. There are kids who have to be coaxed by their parents to talk to people, which includes relatives, family friends and even other kids. My parents never faced this difficulty. Its a different story that they had to hear the complaints of my teachers who used to call me a "chatterbox". I loved talking, even it was in the middle of a class :)

A lot of people around me used to (and still do) confide in me. I was the perfect listener. And i enjoyed doing that. Its not that i am a "guru" and can give perfect advices to anybody and everybody. I believed that just listening to somebody's problems half-solves it. But i was unaware that this creates a kind of emotional dependence. I could have still dealt with this emotional dependence which others have on me, if i was leading a "perfect" and "peaceful" life. But, like most people on this earth i have my own worries, deadlines and tensions. If everybody around me, uses me like a "complain register" telling me how unhappy they are with their lives, i m left with nobody with whom i can have a normal conversation. This is the reason that i have started staying away and avoiding people for the first time in my life.

If everybody around me is so unhappy, who am i supposed to turn to if i want to share any of my problems? There are very few such people in my life right now. I respect them and love them for listening to what i have to say, for a change. From my experience i have learnt that one should not be so dependent on anybody that u can't "live" without talking to them. It makes life miserable for both. I don't want to do that.

Inspite of presence of some friends on whom i can rely on, i try to solve my problems and shed my tears in the lonely confines of my room. And i m not complaining about that. I m enjoying My "current" intimate relationship with my room.

I still meet people, chat with them, listen to what they want to say. But after all this socializing, i have to spend time with myself. And the only place where it can happen is in my room. I cant sleep before spending a "private-hour" with myself. Thats my favourite time of the day.

I love watching TV. The number of phone calls i and "a buddy" had to make in order to get this new CAS (Conditional Access System) thing to work is a double-digit number (i dont even remember). Finally its working. Its not that i spend hours everyday sitting in front of the tv. Its mainly on sundays, when i like to watch some event or a news update or a movie. Tomorrow is the first sunday after the cable connection has been normalized. And i m pretty excited. Want to watch Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander at 1pm on MAX. :)

Books are my passion. They are my life in more than one ways. A book for me is what a "soap-opera" is for many other people. I m not like one of those readers who can't put a book down once they start reading it. I read an average of 20-30 pages everyday just before going to sleep. I feel each and every word i read. Its just like a daily episode of a tv series. I love it that way.

The only novel which i didnt put down before finishing was Gone With The Wind. I finished the 1024 pages in just 5 days. Thats a record for me.

What m i doing in my room when i m not watching tv, not reading a book and not answering my phone? "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" is the answer!

There is no limit to my sleep. I can sleep for 24 hrs (or even more than that, if i dont feel hungry). There are many people who can vouch for this fact. After my annual work seminar on 15th of march (thursday) i slept for whole of the weekend. I woke up only on Sunday eve after my whole body started to ache. But it was great. Just that my lab-mates got a little scared, whether i was alive or .....

All this sitting quietly in room, reading or watching tv, or sleeping....i think is turning me into a "loner". Sometimes i dont like it when people come to my room when i want to sit alone. I have become very protective about my privacy. It was never like this before. There was a time when "somebody" was here, and it was expected that i would maintain some privacy. But I never felt this way.

I think i m tired of people. I have started prefering inanimate objects to living beings.


kate said…
I have started prefering inanimate objects to living beings.

Join the club, Dear.
Have you met my entire collection of soft toys? :-)

And I really liked this post. It a real example of your blog title: "Straight from the heart"
This is the kind of writing that's liberating. Good for you!
AK said…
good one shazi
Anonymous said…
a very hearfelt post dear....

I think the problem begins when the one difference between inanimate objects and human beings reduces infinitsimally.....the ability to empathise and listen to what somebody is NOT saying....

Just pray for humans to humanise more...:)

Anonymous said…
Really a touching one !!!

It is true that being sometime with your own self is a very healthy practice but there is a difference in being alone for sometime and getting lonely in general. So mind it that you are going in state because you are evolving this way or because something is paining you so much that you are finding everything irrelevant.

For a person so talkative like you it looks more like a withdrawal syndrome which, for sure, is not a good idea. At the end of the days, its your peace of mind which matters - all the best !!!!
Wali Khan said…
I can totally relate to what u have portrayed. I Dunno why we share the same opinion either its cuz u happen to be my sister or we both are saggi.

I also need time alone with my places around me as i want them to be (Only difference here would be that my things are more arranged :P) I found pretty difficult to adjust with living with other ppl, as i dun find things in common with them.

I have a very hectic work/personal life and that has too many disorders and i always avoid to add something to it.

Good Post!!! Love ya...

P.S. I am shifting to a new place this weekend... At last will live alone... And i know u will love the place... its too good...
Pragya said…
good post shazi ..i can relate to this problem ...what i think the reason behind this is only tht as world is getting materialistic its better to be with inanimate objects ..there is a saying i read in one book..

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