After 29 years of being alive and 11 years of living away from home I wonder whether I will be able to give up the singledom I have been enjoying so far and get married?
What does 'enjoying singledom' mean?
- Coming back from work anytime I feel like.
- Eating what I want to eat. If I feel like cooking I cook. If i don't feel like, I don't.
- Doing what I want to do in spare time. Read a novel. Go for a movie. Go for a stroll. Go shopping. Or just sleep for hours.
- Spend my money the way I want to. On myself or my loved ones.
- Wear what I like or what I feel suits me.
- My room is 'my space'. Once I shut the door, I am cut-off from the 'outside world'. The 'outside world' can influence 'my space' only with my permission.
- If I feel like staying alone, I lock myself in my room for hours and days. If I don't feel like talking, I can do that.
The list can be lengthened more. In a nutshell, enjoying singledom means 'doing what I feel like, whenever I want to and whichever way I want to', so that I am responsible for everything I do. So, after doing everything as per my wish I should be a 'happy and content' person. I am not. Okay, I can call myself happy but not content. There is something else which i want. Am I actually enjoying my singledom?
I think I am living but not enjoying this singledom.
Do I need a companion for life? What if I don't get to follow any of the above listed routines after giving up my singledom? Are they actually necessary for my survival? Or am I just following that routine because I have nothing else to do? Am i just clinging to these points and building this false belief that all this is making me happy?
Being single and married are like being on two different planets, with conditions of one being exactly the opposite of the other. Can a rigid person like me stay happy under both these contrasting situations, unless I am like one of those inert gases? More or less I am fine being on this planet. When I shift base to the other planet, will I be equally happy, more happy or ......... (let's not talk negative for a while!)
There is no concept of "I" or "ME" on the other planet. I will have to leave it here and then move ahead. But from what I know about myself, these words feature a lot in my dictionary. I have become self-centered and may be I can call myself selfish at times. If this job of 'thinking about me' is taken up by somebody then I can focus on anything else. And may be then i can start 'thinking about HIM and US'.